(NSFW) Top 10 Ways To Know if your Fave SL Porn Photog Used to be a Fashion Blogger

toptenways

Yeah, I know … it’s one of those things that keeps me up at night.  Those bored, retired blogging fashionistas of yore, now missing the high of a viewing stats spike after a fresh post, are making up for it by seeking new venues for attention, fame and glory.

“But Phan,” you might ask, “Where do I find them?” Most of them being natural social butterflies, you might find some flittering around the lastest, hottest DJ, or content creator; hosting parties *coughs*; or ,,, yes … featuring themselves in notorious NSFW photos with some of the most scandalous porn personalities known to Second Life.

“But why do I care where Timmy hangs his trousers?” you ask again. Well, for those of you who like porn … you like real porn. Nitty, gritty, sweaty … well, you get the picture. Interspersed on your Flickr feed or other blogs, though, are those photos that have naked people, sometimes in sexual positions … that don’t quite turn you on. In fact, you can’t imagine them turning anyone on.

So, today’s lesson is a guide to help YOU sort the naked photos from fashion expats from your true porn celebs, so you can enjoy the hot and nasty without the unnecessary distractions.

Here are the top 10 ways you can tell if your favorite SL porn photographer used to be a fashion blogger:

10. Everyone in the photo has perma-frown, even with a dick in their mouth.

9. The gap between their legs is so wide you can see anal from the front.

8. Everyone in the picture is slightly to the side so that you can appreciate the 5k linden they dropped on the shabby chic background.

7. While there’s no need for sexual innuendo, at least one of the models will be licking ice cream, sucking on a lollipop, or blowing bubble gum while their insides are being rearranged.

6. Instead of being focused on the act itself, the bottom girl or boy will be staring directly at the fourth wall with “pouty face.”

5. The porn blog itself will have a mood music plug-in, featuring eastern European EDM music.

4. The title will be some gothic, melancholic phrase like … “He Saves Me With Chains.”

3. Instead of fleshy, deep sensual colors, the final processed photo will either be in bright pastels or sepia tone.

2. It will include the occasional consumer reports article about the quality of the latest in mesh genitalia.

And … the Number ONE way you can tell if your porn photographer used to be a fashion blogger:

1. They will annotate the four phases of their sexual response in the credits below.

There is No Shame in Advertising

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For those of us who went down Melancholy Lane with Joan and Bette the last several weeks, we all remember that famous advertisement Bette Davis took out to show up her worthless representation.

I can almost feel her pain.

No, I’m not an aging actress past her prime (though a few of my friends my say otherwise), but I have chronicled the lack of success I’ve had at SL relationships.

Obviously, I, too, have had the worst representation. You just can’t get a good dating agency anymore, so at the urging of a friend of mine, I thought I should probably just place my own damn ad.

You know, in honor of Bette.

*coughs*

So here goes …

The Sportsman

FATHER of none.  American.  About 10 years experience as a host in Second Life’s gay nightclubs.  Several relationships under my belt.  Still flexible and kinky as shit, and can perform my due diligence without the need for knee braces and minty-smelling medicinal creams.

LOOKING for someone who is intelligent, sexy, kinky, witty, and who can generally match me inch for inch.  Dullards and morons can generally move along … if in fact you can even read this.

Interested?  Click this link to apply in the rear.

Love & Math

loveandmath

A recent facebook post by a virtual family member laughing at a post on SL secrets had me pondering about my own Second Life, and all those secrets and skeletons in my own closet. Luckily, I’m not famous – even in SL – so no one will really care what I did or with whom. Perusing that slander site, I couldn’t help but think of how easy it is to cheat, lie, and be duplicitous in our virtual world, so in an effort of transparency, wanted to talk a little about probably my own greatest weakness.

It probably isn’t one, but I’ll talk about it anyway.

If you asked any of my friends what my biggest problem is, a few of them would probably admit that I’m one of those romantaholics in Second Life, meandering from monogamous relationship to monogamous relationship (and some not so monogamous) … but it’s not entirely the complete truth.

I know my first few months in SL won’t be helpful with my defense: The year Phan started, I had two husbands, and 4 boyfriends (not counting the lovers). While it was a busy 13 or 14 months, I stuck with the last boyfriend (he refused to marry) for a whole year afterwards. At the end of my second year in Second Life, I dumped him and Second Life all in the same day, and swore never to log on again.

See? I am capable of long-term commitment and decisiveness.

There were a few exceptions, but I never logged in again …

… until Thanksgiving week of 2011. There was this SL roleplay experience I was interested in, so I logged in and promptly joined – an awesome experience that lasted about a year and half, during which time, I had no boyfriends, no lovers, and absolutely no husbands. See? Restraint. No problems here. Move along to exhibit C.

As the roleplay began to dwindle, I did start dating again. I had one quick dating relationship (we were never boyfriends), a really weird relationship with a guy that logged on once a month, followed by a really bad boyfriend thingee (lesson learned: don’t date your boss). As a rebound, I started dating a couple of friends at the same time in my first throuple – which imploded in less than two months.

Little blip on the timeline of one-on-one love. Keep moving.

In 2015, I had exactly three boyfriends – two that I married. Two. In one year. One lasted six months. See?  We’re seeing a pattern of stability here.

Well, until he technically dumped me for a theme-park, so I finalized it for him. The second dumped me for a RL thing, and I had a kinda-sorta relationship with our friend afterwards, resulting in a kinda-sorta marriage early in 2016 (didn’t last long).

(redacted)

Yeah, that looks bad … BUT … keep reading.

Tired of the successive relationships, my heart and I took a month off and dated about 4 guys at once [managing to hurt only one in the process … (I said I’m SORRY!!!!)] before settling with the guy I’m with now, albeit in a very unconventional relationship. That’s been going strong now for a couple of months, and Phan is finally a very, very happy man.

See? A little noise, then happily ever after!

Ok, so let’s count.

Second Life, round one: 2 husbands, 4 boyfriends, two years.

Second Life, round two (only since 2014): 4 husbands (all quick affairs), 8 boyfriends (again, not counting any of the lovers or one-nighters), not double-counting anyone that was more than one of these.

So, yeah …. When you apply mathematics to my second life, I’ve been married six times in nine years, with additional 12 boyfriends, all concentrated in 2 two-and-a-half year periods where I decided to do the dating thing. Quite embarrassing, but I doubt anyone else on here would dare be so honest about their Second Life Dating & Loving.

So, yes, Mother, I have a problem … BUT, Elizabeth Taylor still beats me with one hand behind her back, and – bless her heart – she was only stopped by death. Through it all, I hoped each of the nineteen would the final – “The One” that would last until the Lindens cast us all out with pixel dust, so I can still claim sanity and have some reasonable expectation of happiness.

I know in my heart that this guy is it; although, quite aware of my history, he’s probably not entirely convinced.